I know not what I say…


I come from a long line of people who put their feet in their mouth on a near daily basis. I realize that is quite hard to believe.  It’s true, though.   It’s like my brain and my mouth are housed in two different bubble heads.  It’s a medical condition.  Since it’s preexisting and there’s a family history, Kaiser refuses to treat it.

I am a massage therapist, presenting billions of opportunities to insert my foot.  In my mouth, I mean.  When I was still a newbie therapist, I had a gigantic former football player client.  He came in for a massage one day, not quite sober.  I should not have worked on him, because lack of sobriety + giant dude + young massage therapist almost always = trouble.  Believe it or not, there was a time when I was young and naive.  I know, yet another shocker.

I did the entire massage and finished the session with an incredibly not-well-thought-out question.

“Did I get to everything?”

Um.  Can I say dumb-ass?  I mean, it’s about myself, so I think it’s okay to say it.  DUMB ASS!! Anyway, being the incredibly lucky soul that I am, the extent of the outcome of that question was simply him staring at me in disbelief (perhaps at his good fortune? perhaps wondering if this was a sting?  perhaps thinking, where am I?  this doesn’t look like my hooker’s house).  I have to give myself credit for reacting quickly though.  I paused for about a second, and ran.  Yes.  I ran away.  Mature?  Maybe not.  Life saving? It’s possible.  Avoidant of an uncomfortable series of verbal exchanges?  Certainly.

I ran out of my office and into the well-populated hallway of my office building. Eventually the hulk emerged.  It was an awkward departure for sure, and he never called for another session (whew).

Lesson learned: don’t be vague with naked people.

By the way, a few days later I hear Howard Stern on the radio describe this as the verbal cue to use if seeking out a happy ending during a massage.   Don’t try it.  If your massage therapist is like me, he/she is bubble headed, but also armed with pepper spray.  You may be expecting lotion, but WA BAM!!! Here come the cayenne!!

Sometimes I work in a teaching environment.  One day, the students were trading massages with one another.  A student had left while they were switching roles of client and therapist.  I saw this person in the hall, walking back towards the classroom, with a banana in their hand.  I said, “Are you going to massage her with your banana?”

Yes.  He was a guy.  I didn’t mean it that way!  I was seriously like, dude… get to work!! How are you going to massage her with a banana.  Oh man.  I just can not make that phrase sound any more appropriate!  My mouth just says stuff before my brain can tell it to shut the hell up!!  I’m glad to say, he possessed a sense of humor.

I am that person… existing in her dopey bubble, saying things like “are you due soon?” to the non-pregnant neighbor, or “I haven’t seen your husband around lately” because he has left her to wreck their marriage with the kid’s preschool teacher.   If I offend you, please try to understand.  I come from a long line of bubble heads, who seem to have lost their important brain/mouth filters somewhere along the way.

We don’t mean to be mean, we are just have a delayed reaction when it comes to thinking.


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